Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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