i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
