I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
