I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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