I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
