benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize