i love accidental penises.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
