so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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