you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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