..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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