I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
