Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
