got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just want nice things and good sex
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
