so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just had sex bonerless
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
