I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
