My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
