I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
