This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
