sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
