im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
