I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
