what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
