I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
