I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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