Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
