Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize