I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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