The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
