If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
