After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
