My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
