We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
4 words: hood of his car
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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