You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
