Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
