Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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