Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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