My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
