thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
