My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
