Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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