even my farts smell like vagina
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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