Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
