Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
