When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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