dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
