I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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