You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
