i think my tv is drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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