They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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