im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
