Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
