I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
