Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize