it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
