You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
