I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
