Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
