I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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