Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
