The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
