I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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