Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
