If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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