I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
