Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
