its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize