just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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