All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
